have plan to forget everything i've been through yesterday, until i'm scrolling my timeline and a video about mother and her daughter pops out of nowhere. then here it goes, my sorrow turns into tears again. i envied people in that video. by all means my mom raised me right. nevertheless, i never have strong bond with her. i can't ever clearly talk what i feel to her. she can't get close to my friend. she never said she loves me. she never even gave me hug. but despite of everything, i know she loves me with her own way. and once again, i said my mom raised me right.
yesterday i did something bad and mom got angry. and for the first time she said, "having you as my child is worth nothing to me." then boom! my heart fell into pieces. i mean, deep inside her heart i know she wasn't lucky to have me in her life. she also often shouted something bad when she got angry. but that was the very first time i heard that words out of her lip. and it felt so hurt like tons of daggers pierce to my lungs. that time i think i stopped breathing for a while. someone said home is the place where you can find peace and serenity. so where should i go if i can't find that feeling in my own home? how should i do when 'home' is only a strange place with cold-hearted people inside it?
ma, you can't imagine how blessed i am for having a mother like you. i love you so much even though i never said it. i'm sorry i didn't grow up according to your plan. but you know i'll try to be your pride. so one day when you look at me, you'll wear your smiling face and say, "i'm a proud mom". please don't say something hurts like that anymore. please. just don't.
